My grandma has been gone eight years. I think about her every day but some days I miss her more than others.
Lately I've been talking with some friends about not giving a fuck being the key to happiness. I do my best. I define what's best for me. I do not give a fuck what other people think because I'm doing my best for myself. Or, I try. It's hard sometimes.
Those are the times I miss her the most. Lucille had absolutely no fucks to give. She is my patron saint of not giving a fuck. When life is hard, I want to call her and ask, "How did you make it look so easy? Did you ever give a fuck? Or were you born fuck free?"
My great-grandmother told my grandma to go to the city, to do something other than marry a farm boy. Maybe that was the moment Lucy lost her fucks? She was fifteen when she went to Chicago, lied to get her first job and had the first of many adventures.
She'd led a pretty full life by the time she met my grandfather, over a decade later. Her inability to give a fuck led her to actually stand my grandfather up on their first date. She then gave a brief fuck when her co-worker revealed she'd met the nicest guy at the bar after work - who'd been stood up. She was jealous, showed up for a second chance date, and eventually married him. Thank fuck for that.
She was just always so chill. It took a lot to get her upset. I think I only ever saw her mad once. But I saw her naked. A lot. Grandma dug being naked and she just did not give a fuck. Thank fuck for that too. Being comfortable naked is awesome. Definitely no fucks given.
I'd really love to ask her if it was it easy? Were there days that she had to fake it? Days that she felt regrets? Days that she did feel sad about something stupid someone said to her? Or worse, something stupid she had said? Had she worked at not giving a fuck or was it her natural state? Had she worked at it until it became her natural state? Basically, I'd like to ask my grandma if I'm doing it wrong - even though I know there is no wrong way to not give a fuck and I shouldn't give a fuck anyway. I have a feeling it would be a really entertaining conversation.